woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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