If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
