I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
