I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
