Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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