so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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