it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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