I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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