What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize