Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
