It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
