I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
