im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
