Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
