I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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