last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
