At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
