I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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