Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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