drinking out of a sandbucket again
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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