yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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