What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
