Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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