it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
