And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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