i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
