So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
