So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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