Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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