my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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