we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
