Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
