Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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