Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
