handjob tips. give me some.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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