well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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