Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
