In America we eat man semen.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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