Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
