this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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