Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize