I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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