i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
