Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
