He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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