I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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