Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Houston, we have a blender
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
