i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
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