he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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