4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
