you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize