I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
