Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize