I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
