I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
