I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
