someone threw a dead crab at me
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize