she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
